I will catch up on the last two weeks soon...
But first, I wanted to write down my goals for Ironman Texas. I have five concrete goals, and I have prioritized them from most to least important.
#1: Don't die.
#2: Finish.
#3: Don't vomit or shit on myself.
#4: Perform at the level of ability for which I trained.
#5: WIN!
If I accomplish 1-3, this endeavor will be a 100% success. I'm gunning for the top 4, really, but those first three are paramount. And if 2,000 other people have a really, really bad day, I will snag #5.
How freaking hard could it be?
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Today Is The Day!
I wanted to write a long post about all the happenings of the past week. It was week 2 of the 3-week Peak Phase and it went well. I finished it feeling strong and ready to take on THE Peak Week (which is happening RIGHT NOW!!!!).
I wanted to write about my awesome friends who participated in the TryCharleston Relay, who got up at 5am and stood in the pouring rain when it was 53 degrees, in the dark, just to cheer on the swimmers on their teams – even though we swimmers could neither hear nor see them whilst swimming.
I thought I’d mention that I enjoyed my relay swim immensely, so much so that I swam extra slowly so I could enjoy it longer. Yeah, that’s why I’m slow.
I wanted to write about my relay teammates and competitors who pushed themselves hard during their bikes and runs even though they knew they weren’t going to win anything.
I wanted to write about my friend who, when he discovered an hour before setting up for the half-iron distance race that he had brought cycling shoes without cleats and would have to pedal 56 miles on Speedplay lollipop pedals in his running shoes, said “It’s alright. No biggie. I could’ve been born without legs. This is nothing. It’s all about the journey.” Then crushed a 5:09 overall with a monster bike split. (Note to self: Be like him.)
I wanted to write about how hard it is to stick to your training plan and stay in your 16-17mph Zone 2 heartrate zone for a ride when everyone else is taking off and it’s a beautiful day and you want to chase them. Or how I screwed up my nutrition (not enough calories, carbs, electrolytes or fluid) on the bike ride because my stomach was upset for the first time on a ride in a long time.
I had considered mentioning the various body parts that ache or click or are numb or don’t feel quite right, but these things will hopefully heal during taper – if I can just survive until then – but I decided not to focus on the negative. Besides, everybody hurts, and nobody wants to hear about it!
I really, really wanted to write about how lucky I am to have married such a kind, loving, understanding man, who, when I mentioned I might want to race Augusta Half Ironman again but was afraid he wouldn’t want me to spend all that time training, said “I understand. It’s what you do. We’ll make it work.” (Not sure I'm going to race it, just glad to know I can.)
I wanted to write that I am ready. I am so ready to race Ironman Texas and I am totally going to win. Or maybe not win, but absolutely finish and enjoy it. I can do it. I know I can.
I wanted to… But I won’t.
Instead, I’m going to write about my doctor appointment this morning. (Aren’t you glad you’re reading this blog?) Five weeks ago, she told me I had asthma and prescribed an inhaler and a preventive medicine. I couldn’t tolerate the preventive meds so per her instructions I’ve just been using the inhaler. However, I haven’t used it regularly – just when I felt I needed it – and only half a dose at a time.
Today, she read me the riot act. She told me of a local surgical tech, a woman, who was about my age and in great shape, who didn’t have her asthma controlled and she died alone at home when she had an attack.
Then she had my other doctor, whom I love and trust, call me and tell me how she has permanent lung damage already because she didn’t use her meds regularly when she was in med school and thought she knew everything, and let her asthma go untreated (or poorly treated) for a while.
I told my doc I was afraid to take the whole dose because I might have an attack and need another dose – and I didn’t want to OD. So I would take one puff before exercise (half a dose) and carry the inhaler with me and use it if needed (second half of dose). Perfectly logical, right? Yes, I thought so too. Thank you. You are very smart.
She didn’t see it that way. She thinks I should take the full dose, regularly, as prescribed, so I can breathe, so I can avoid causing permanent damage to my lungs, so I can not die. Then – get this – she prescribed more meds!
Here I am, three weeks and four days before Ironman Texas, and I’m starting a new medication. Steroids. And these steroids won’t even make me recover faster or get bigger muscles. They will, however, help me breathe – and she mentioned that breathing might come in handy for swimming, biking, running, and also just living.
In order to get even with her, I cried. I cried and cried right there in her office. I cried while we talked, I cried while I had an EKG (results were normal - hooray!), I cried in between breaths into the lung function machine, I cried while I took the first dose of steroid, I cried while they drew blood for labs (but I still watched, because seeing your own blood pouring out of your body - when controlled and on purpose - is really fascinating).
Today is the day I accept that I am not a stunningly healthy 23 year old. This cough and labored breathing are not “post-viral” or “just allergies” and they are not going to magically go away. I finally believe and accept that I am 39 and one-twelfth years old and yes, I do indeed have adult-onset asthma. And yes, it can be a big deal. And yes, I need to take it seriously.
But, hey, I could’ve been born without legs. This is no biggie. All part of the journey.
PS – I hope I haven’t offended anyone who was actually born without legs. If I have, I give you permission to say, “Well, at least I didn't get asthma as an adult.”
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
200 Mile Relay, Cold Swim, & Boston Marathon
It's hard to write this post. Today, at the 117th running of the Boston Marathon, multiple bombs exploded near the finish line, maiming dozens, injuring over a hundred, and killing at least three people. I don't even know what to say. It's hard to process it.
Tonight I ran 45 minutes and thought about the marathoners, their families and friends, the emergency personnel, the volunteers, and the race officials. I wish there were something I could do to help. The only thing I could think of was to run. It just seemed right.
Unfortunately, the run was painful. My calves, shins and ankles are still tight from the running I did Friday & Saturday in the Palmetto 200 Relay. I stopped to stretch at least 5 times. I got a little looser by the end, but not much. I see Dr. Awesome tomorrow, and I'm hoping he can work these kinks out.
The relay was a blast. I ran legs 1, 13 and 28. Leg #1 was about 5.6 miles and started at 1:30pm in full sun. It. Was. Hot. I carried a water bottle and needed it refilled halfway through. Although I was hot, I didn't overheat. I think I paced myself pretty well, saving some gas for the next two legs. Average pace: 8:50.
Leg #13 was only 4.2 miles. I ran it at 11pm through the forest. It was dark and I was alone. I was grateful to have our van pass by every once in a while. Running in the pitch dark felt like an out-of-body experience. It was pretty creepy. Average pace: 8:30.
Leg #28 was my favorite distance: 12k (7.4 miles). I ran at about 8am on 2 hours of sleep. Surprisingly, I felt fantastic. Since it was my last leg, I pushed pretty hard. I finally had my first two kills of the relay (a "kill" is when you pass a runner from another team; considering the events of today, I'm a bit embarrassed to use that word). I sprinted to the end and handed off the "baton" (a blue slap-bracelet) to JC and promptly had an asthma attack. It was the exact same feeling I had immediately after finishing the Augusta Half Ironman - like someone had stuffed wet sponges into my chest. I could breathe out just fine, but breathing in didn't seem to work. The good news is, I remained calm, and I had my inhaler with me, so I took a puff and walked around to let my heartrate come down gradually. I felt better very quickly.
I'm kind of glad that happened. It was a good experiment to see how I would react and how well the inhaler would work. It gives me some reassurance that I can handle future attacks.
Other good news:
Sunday, I joined some friends for my first open-water swim of the season. Lake Murray's water temp was still around 60 degrees, but I gave it a go. It was.... interesting. First, it took me a long time to get my wetsuit on; somehow, the extra pounds I'm carrying have made me bigger. Who knew?!?
I took my time getting into the water. It was quite cold, but it wasn't the most miserable experience ever. (Peeing in your wetsuit helps warm it up.) But putting my face in was a different story. I spent a few minutes putting in first my chin, then my right ear, then my left ear, then my nose... Eventually, my whole face made it in. It took my breath away!
I swam a few strokes, but the cold water made me feel disoriented and dizzy. I swam a total of 150
yards before getting out. I felt dizzy and icky (and a little drunk) for a few minutes, but it eventually passed. So, basically, I spent an hour to swim a total of 3 minutes. Kudos to the folks who actually got their swims done.
So, here we are in the second of three peak weeks. This week is a slight cut-back from last week - long run is only 14 miles, and long ride is only 4 hours - then it'll be THE peak week. I'm ready.
Tonight I ran 45 minutes and thought about the marathoners, their families and friends, the emergency personnel, the volunteers, and the race officials. I wish there were something I could do to help. The only thing I could think of was to run. It just seemed right.
Unfortunately, the run was painful. My calves, shins and ankles are still tight from the running I did Friday & Saturday in the Palmetto 200 Relay. I stopped to stretch at least 5 times. I got a little looser by the end, but not much. I see Dr. Awesome tomorrow, and I'm hoping he can work these kinks out.
The relay was a blast. I ran legs 1, 13 and 28. Leg #1 was about 5.6 miles and started at 1:30pm in full sun. It. Was. Hot. I carried a water bottle and needed it refilled halfway through. Although I was hot, I didn't overheat. I think I paced myself pretty well, saving some gas for the next two legs. Average pace: 8:50.
Leg #13 was only 4.2 miles. I ran it at 11pm through the forest. It was dark and I was alone. I was grateful to have our van pass by every once in a while. Running in the pitch dark felt like an out-of-body experience. It was pretty creepy. Average pace: 8:30.
Leg #28 was my favorite distance: 12k (7.4 miles). I ran at about 8am on 2 hours of sleep. Surprisingly, I felt fantastic. Since it was my last leg, I pushed pretty hard. I finally had my first two kills of the relay (a "kill" is when you pass a runner from another team; considering the events of today, I'm a bit embarrassed to use that word). I sprinted to the end and handed off the "baton" (a blue slap-bracelet) to JC and promptly had an asthma attack. It was the exact same feeling I had immediately after finishing the Augusta Half Ironman - like someone had stuffed wet sponges into my chest. I could breathe out just fine, but breathing in didn't seem to work. The good news is, I remained calm, and I had my inhaler with me, so I took a puff and walked around to let my heartrate come down gradually. I felt better very quickly.
I'm kind of glad that happened. It was a good experiment to see how I would react and how well the inhaler would work. It gives me some reassurance that I can handle future attacks.
Other good news:
- My average pace for the final leg was 8:10, which A) is the fastest I've run since the Ray Tanner 12k last fall (7:45 pace), and B) was 20 seconds faster than the previous leg, on fatigued legs and very little sleep. My body feels strong.
- Our team (Columbia SC Marathon) came in third in the mixed division.
- I got to share the experience with my wonderful husband JC.
- I didn't have any "goose bumps" during my hot runs, which used to be a big problem for me in the heat.
- I didn't get the post-exercise headache that I used to get after hot or tough workouts. I think I've finally figured out the problem: I just wasn't taking in enough electrolytes, especially salt. I sweat very little, and am not a salty sweater at all; plus, I have to be careful with salt intake because it exacerbates a condition I have called Meniere's Syndrome. Too much salt triggers hearing disturbances and crippling vertigo. But I have increased my intake during exercise lately, and it seems to be doing the trick.
 |
| Columbia SC Marathon team after finishing in just over 25 hours. These are really great people. |
I took my time getting into the water. It was quite cold, but it wasn't the most miserable experience ever. (Peeing in your wetsuit helps warm it up.) But putting my face in was a different story. I spent a few minutes putting in first my chin, then my right ear, then my left ear, then my nose... Eventually, my whole face made it in. It took my breath away!
I swam a few strokes, but the cold water made me feel disoriented and dizzy. I swam a total of 150
yards before getting out. I felt dizzy and icky (and a little drunk) for a few minutes, but it eventually passed. So, basically, I spent an hour to swim a total of 3 minutes. Kudos to the folks who actually got their swims done.
So, here we are in the second of three peak weeks. This week is a slight cut-back from last week - long run is only 14 miles, and long ride is only 4 hours - then it'll be THE peak week. I'm ready.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Later That Day...
You know how one day in soap opera world lasts 8 weeks in the real world? You could skip a month's worth of episodes, then when you tune in again, it's still later that same day? That's how I feel about the past two weeks, which is how long it's been since my last post. The freak-out phase was pretty recent, yet it feels like a lifetime ago. I am back to a normal level of sanity (about 90% sane, which is normal for me) and have started the three peak weeks of training.
Last week was a recovery week. I took an extra day of rest, as I felt pretty worn out and run down. By the weekend, I was full of energy and ready to get going again. (I even did the dishes. That is MAJOR.) Sunday, a group of us took a nice 50 mile ride through the countryside of Lexington, with a few glimpses of million-dollar homes on the lake. I call that a soul-cleansing ride.
I've spent a lot of time researching and calculating fuel, electrolytes and fluids for long rides. Sunday's 50 miler showed good improvement in fuel and electrolytes but I still fell short on the amount of fluid I took in. (I know this because I did a 3-hour ride and 30-minute run and didn't have to pee until I got home.) This trial and error system takes time, but I'm getting closer to the magic mixture.
This week, we have FINALLY had some warm weather. I've had two runs in the 80s so far, and yesterday I took the day off from work to get my long ride done in 80+ degrees. I rode 92+ miles (by far a distance PR!) and ran 3 miles. It was sunny all day with a steady breeze; that was good practice for Texas. I only had one rough patch on the ride - around miles 60-65. I just slowed down a little but and made sure I was on track with fueling. After a few minutes, I was back to normal.
By the time I got to the run (3pm), it was 85 degrees. It was pretty tough. I will definitely need to make sure I take in enough during the run in Texas. I kept thinking, "How the hell am I going to run a marathon in this weather after the bike ride?" (I don't yet know how I'm going to do it, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.) When I got tired of thinking about that, I started counting my steps. (Hey, whatever I have to do to take my mind off the discomfort...) I got to 1,406 steps before I lost my concentration.
The good news is, my new bike shorts felt GREAT. My saddle was comfy for 80 miles. The last 12 miles.... Well, I got out of the saddle a lot. I must remember to carry a single-serving ride glide with me.
The other good news is, I peed three times during that workout. (Oh, come on. If you know me, you know I'm going to talk about pee.) This tells me I hydrated enough. Yippee! Once I cooled down in the air conditioning after the run, I felt good. I still had energy, my legs were strong, my blood pressure was great, and my pee looked like lemonade. Perfect! I just need more workouts in the heat to acclimate so it won't affect me as much.
Today was technically a rest day, but Sophie asked me to go to walk/run with her before school, so I got a mile of running in. I don't think anyone under the age of 30 ever does a proper warm-up, and she's no exception. She took off so fast, it took me almost a quarter mile to catch up to her.
Today was also "Eat Like a Horse" day. I pretty much ate constantly from 6:15am until about 3pm, when my appetite was finally satisfied (at least for 2-3 hours). Two breakfasts, two lunches, two snacks and a protein smoothie was all it took. Don't worry - I was hungry again for dinner.
Tomorrow is the start of the Palmetto 200 Relay which is a 200 mile race from Columbia to Charleston. Jeff and I are on the Columbia SC Marathon team, which consists of 11 fast people and me. I will be the slowest person on the team by a long shot. They asked me to be on the team last fall, back when I had some speed in my legs. Now I'm slow slow slow. They said back then that we weren't aiming to be competitive, we would just do it for fun. Then we added two sub-3 hour marathoners to our team and suddenly our average pace is 7:06. Crap! I can't run anything near that right now! Anyway, I'm running three legs over 24 hours, totalling 17+ miles, so that will count as my long run for this week.
I am excited about the race, and a little nervous, as this is our first time doing a relay and I don't quite know what to expect. I just hope I pack the necessary items and don't screw anything up. (Note to team: DO NOT LET ME NAVIGATE. It will turn into the Palmetto 482-mile Relay from Columbia to Florence.) Whatever happens, there is fun to be had!
Last week was a recovery week. I took an extra day of rest, as I felt pretty worn out and run down. By the weekend, I was full of energy and ready to get going again. (I even did the dishes. That is MAJOR.) Sunday, a group of us took a nice 50 mile ride through the countryside of Lexington, with a few glimpses of million-dollar homes on the lake. I call that a soul-cleansing ride.
I've spent a lot of time researching and calculating fuel, electrolytes and fluids for long rides. Sunday's 50 miler showed good improvement in fuel and electrolytes but I still fell short on the amount of fluid I took in. (I know this because I did a 3-hour ride and 30-minute run and didn't have to pee until I got home.) This trial and error system takes time, but I'm getting closer to the magic mixture.
This week, we have FINALLY had some warm weather. I've had two runs in the 80s so far, and yesterday I took the day off from work to get my long ride done in 80+ degrees. I rode 92+ miles (by far a distance PR!) and ran 3 miles. It was sunny all day with a steady breeze; that was good practice for Texas. I only had one rough patch on the ride - around miles 60-65. I just slowed down a little but and made sure I was on track with fueling. After a few minutes, I was back to normal.
 |
| A beautiful day for a ride. |
By the time I got to the run (3pm), it was 85 degrees. It was pretty tough. I will definitely need to make sure I take in enough during the run in Texas. I kept thinking, "How the hell am I going to run a marathon in this weather after the bike ride?" (I don't yet know how I'm going to do it, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.) When I got tired of thinking about that, I started counting my steps. (Hey, whatever I have to do to take my mind off the discomfort...) I got to 1,406 steps before I lost my concentration.
The good news is, my new bike shorts felt GREAT. My saddle was comfy for 80 miles. The last 12 miles.... Well, I got out of the saddle a lot. I must remember to carry a single-serving ride glide with me.
The other good news is, I peed three times during that workout. (Oh, come on. If you know me, you know I'm going to talk about pee.) This tells me I hydrated enough. Yippee! Once I cooled down in the air conditioning after the run, I felt good. I still had energy, my legs were strong, my blood pressure was great, and my pee looked like lemonade. Perfect! I just need more workouts in the heat to acclimate so it won't affect me as much.
Today was technically a rest day, but Sophie asked me to go to walk/run with her before school, so I got a mile of running in. I don't think anyone under the age of 30 ever does a proper warm-up, and she's no exception. She took off so fast, it took me almost a quarter mile to catch up to her.
Today was also "Eat Like a Horse" day. I pretty much ate constantly from 6:15am until about 3pm, when my appetite was finally satisfied (at least for 2-3 hours). Two breakfasts, two lunches, two snacks and a protein smoothie was all it took. Don't worry - I was hungry again for dinner.
Tomorrow is the start of the Palmetto 200 Relay which is a 200 mile race from Columbia to Charleston. Jeff and I are on the Columbia SC Marathon team, which consists of 11 fast people and me. I will be the slowest person on the team by a long shot. They asked me to be on the team last fall, back when I had some speed in my legs. Now I'm slow slow slow. They said back then that we weren't aiming to be competitive, we would just do it for fun. Then we added two sub-3 hour marathoners to our team and suddenly our average pace is 7:06. Crap! I can't run anything near that right now! Anyway, I'm running three legs over 24 hours, totalling 17+ miles, so that will count as my long run for this week.
I am excited about the race, and a little nervous, as this is our first time doing a relay and I don't quite know what to expect. I just hope I pack the necessary items and don't screw anything up. (Note to team: DO NOT LET ME NAVIGATE. It will turn into the Palmetto 482-mile Relay from Columbia to Florence.) Whatever happens, there is fun to be had!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
March Madness
Last week was a great week of training. My swims were decent and my long run (14 miles) was phenomenal. I finally incorporated walk breaks (45 seconds at the start of every mile), which actually made my overall goal pace faster, while still in Zone 2. When I was done, I felt like I still had another 3 miles in me.
I had 70-75 miles planned for Saturday's long ride, but the cold, rainy weather prompted me to ride the trainer instead. I rode for just over 4 hours, taking a 5 minute break every hour to get off the bike, stretch, pee, etc. During the second half of my ride, we watched "Bicycle Dreams," which I thought would inspire me. Instead it TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT. These people were riding day and night without stopping, and sometimes they were delusional, and getting IVs and all sorts of things. That was NOT good for my psyche.
Also, since I hadn't needed to pee during last weekend's long workout, I thought I should drink more this time. So I did. A total of 5 bike bottles in 4 hours, 3 of which were plain water; the other two were Heed and Perpetuem. I also had Hammer gels with added Endurloytes powder, and a Cliff bar. I think I screwed that up - too much plain water, not enough sodium. I peed after 2 hours (great!) then again an hour later and again an hour later - too much!
Also, my lungs felt like they were filling up with moisture. I used the inhaler an hour into the ride (just half a dose), then again as soon as I was done (the other half of the dose).
After the ride, I ran 20 minutes around the neighborhood. My legs felt surprisingly good - the best they've felt on a brick lately. But my chest felt pretty full, and I started to freak out a bit. I'm pretty sure you need lungs for endurance sports.
I can't really explain what happened next. I just got more and more nervous, and then that lovely feeling of impending doom showed up: my first panic attack in years. Damn.
There was a time about 5 years ago or more when I had anxiety regularly. It was a miserable feeling, always being afraid. When you're going through something like that, you begin to fear that fear more than the things you're afraid of. (Okay, maybe that didn't make sense, but if you've ever experienced it, you understand.) I was scared of everything: physical ailments (some real, some not), dangers like 18-wheelers crossing the center line and running me over, all kinds of things that normally wouldn't bother me. It took a long time and a lot of work but the anxiety finally went away. I have not missed it.
Well, now it's back. I'm worried about Every. Single. Thing. I'm told everyone training for an Ironman goes through times when they don't think they can do it. I've had those moments off and on but have managed them pretty well... until now. The past few days have been extremely difficult. I think the anxiety that's a side effect from the inhaler is feeding into it too. Even though I know these things are in my head, they feel real to my body. I've really, really been wigging out. I even had to stop during my opening 1000 in the pool yesterday to "talk myself down." (I decided I was too embarrassed to get out and have a panic attack in front of everybody, so I kept going.)
I've been avoiding writing this post because I don't want people to know how crazy I feel. But a friend suggested that folks might like to know that I'm going through this, so that if/when they have their own doubts and fears, they'll know it's normal and everybody else (even Tenacious J) goes through it. So, here you go.
If I get the nerve up, maybe I'll talk more about it. I'm sure this, too, will pass. In the meantime, I'm still training and trying to just focus on the moment: this day, this workout, this mile. When the next day/workout/mile comes, then I'll think about that one.
Also, I just want to say that I'm sick and tired of prepping my fuel for long rides. I look forward to normal workouts where I just grab a bottle and a gel and head out the door.
As long as I'm bitching: POLLEN SUCKS, and I'm tired of coughing.
I've made an appointment for a long massage - that will help me relax mentally and physically. Other appointments I've been thinking of making are with a nutritionist (for help with race day fueling), Dr Awesome (haven't seen him in a while; legs feel great but I'm sure I could use a tune-up), and maybe a shrink. I feel like I need one! And there is no shame in seeing one! I wonder, if I spilled my guts to big-head SmackDonald, would he use it against me on the bike leg? Hmmm.... He still wouldn't beat me.
Yeah, there's still a little Tenacious J left in there somewhere. Maybe she's hiding out until all the crazy leaves. It may be a while.
I had 70-75 miles planned for Saturday's long ride, but the cold, rainy weather prompted me to ride the trainer instead. I rode for just over 4 hours, taking a 5 minute break every hour to get off the bike, stretch, pee, etc. During the second half of my ride, we watched "Bicycle Dreams," which I thought would inspire me. Instead it TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT. These people were riding day and night without stopping, and sometimes they were delusional, and getting IVs and all sorts of things. That was NOT good for my psyche.
Also, since I hadn't needed to pee during last weekend's long workout, I thought I should drink more this time. So I did. A total of 5 bike bottles in 4 hours, 3 of which were plain water; the other two were Heed and Perpetuem. I also had Hammer gels with added Endurloytes powder, and a Cliff bar. I think I screwed that up - too much plain water, not enough sodium. I peed after 2 hours (great!) then again an hour later and again an hour later - too much!
Also, my lungs felt like they were filling up with moisture. I used the inhaler an hour into the ride (just half a dose), then again as soon as I was done (the other half of the dose).
After the ride, I ran 20 minutes around the neighborhood. My legs felt surprisingly good - the best they've felt on a brick lately. But my chest felt pretty full, and I started to freak out a bit. I'm pretty sure you need lungs for endurance sports.
I can't really explain what happened next. I just got more and more nervous, and then that lovely feeling of impending doom showed up: my first panic attack in years. Damn.
There was a time about 5 years ago or more when I had anxiety regularly. It was a miserable feeling, always being afraid. When you're going through something like that, you begin to fear that fear more than the things you're afraid of. (Okay, maybe that didn't make sense, but if you've ever experienced it, you understand.) I was scared of everything: physical ailments (some real, some not), dangers like 18-wheelers crossing the center line and running me over, all kinds of things that normally wouldn't bother me. It took a long time and a lot of work but the anxiety finally went away. I have not missed it.
Well, now it's back. I'm worried about Every. Single. Thing. I'm told everyone training for an Ironman goes through times when they don't think they can do it. I've had those moments off and on but have managed them pretty well... until now. The past few days have been extremely difficult. I think the anxiety that's a side effect from the inhaler is feeding into it too. Even though I know these things are in my head, they feel real to my body. I've really, really been wigging out. I even had to stop during my opening 1000 in the pool yesterday to "talk myself down." (I decided I was too embarrassed to get out and have a panic attack in front of everybody, so I kept going.)
I've been avoiding writing this post because I don't want people to know how crazy I feel. But a friend suggested that folks might like to know that I'm going through this, so that if/when they have their own doubts and fears, they'll know it's normal and everybody else (even Tenacious J) goes through it. So, here you go.
If I get the nerve up, maybe I'll talk more about it. I'm sure this, too, will pass. In the meantime, I'm still training and trying to just focus on the moment: this day, this workout, this mile. When the next day/workout/mile comes, then I'll think about that one.
Also, I just want to say that I'm sick and tired of prepping my fuel for long rides. I look forward to normal workouts where I just grab a bottle and a gel and head out the door.
As long as I'm bitching: POLLEN SUCKS, and I'm tired of coughing.
I've made an appointment for a long massage - that will help me relax mentally and physically. Other appointments I've been thinking of making are with a nutritionist (for help with race day fueling), Dr Awesome (haven't seen him in a while; legs feel great but I'm sure I could use a tune-up), and maybe a shrink. I feel like I need one! And there is no shame in seeing one! I wonder, if I spilled my guts to big-head SmackDonald, would he use it against me on the bike leg? Hmmm.... He still wouldn't beat me.
Yeah, there's still a little Tenacious J left in there somewhere. Maybe she's hiding out until all the crazy leaves. It may be a while.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
T.T.S.P.
Another another another week. How do I slow this down? Here we are, EIGHT weeks out from Ironman Texas. Holy cow.
This week started off poorly. After the asthma bomb was dropped, I dutifully took my new meds and tried to ignore the side effects. One of them gave me sore muscles and joints, some muscle cramps, then muscle weakness. After four days of it, my doc told me to quit. NO PROBLEM. Twenty-four hours later, I was already improving. It took 4 days and I finally feel like I'm almost back to normal.
Wednesday's long run was supposed to be 12.7 miles. It started off well, but my muscles fatigued very quickly. After 6 miles I was bargaining with myself: Maybe you can scrap this tonight and try the long run on Friday. Another mile later: Maybe just two more miles, then you can drive home and do the last 4 on the treadmill. Another mile later: I'll just run a half mile out, then turn around and come back and re-negotiate. Somehow I pushed through and got in 12.3. That was enough.
The run was difficult physically, but even worse mentally. The meds were giving me some anxiety, and that was turning into fear. I was afraid to use the inhaler, I was afraid not to use the inhaler; I was afraid to do the entire run, I was afraid that if I didn't do it I wouldn't be on track with my training; but mostly, I was afraid that I am not cut out for doing an Ironman. What if I'm just not physically able? That's one thing - but how would I know? How do I know if my inner voice is just fear, or if it's warning me? Even if I am physically prepared, I cannot do an Ironman with that fear inside of me. I guess everyone has these doubts. I hope everyone has these doubts.
I do know this: If I quit anything due to fear, I will never be able to begin again. I have to keep pushing through. It will get better, and I will be stronger for it. I CANNOT QUIT.
Thursday was my first day back in the pool in a week. Since I'm using an inhaler, my lungs seem to take in so much more air now. I was breathing about 30% less often than before. But my muscles were so weak - I could barely get a good push off the wall. I tried making myself breathe more, but then I was borderline hyperventilating, so that was out. That workout was supposed to be my monthly time trial, but I just could not get any speed at all. So I decided to adjust my workout and enjoy the easy swim as a recovery from the previous night's run. I was glad to see that my easy pace is still decent, so if I go that pace during the Ironman swim, I will finish that leg in an acceptable time.
Luckily, I stopped the other medication Thursday, so by Friday's swim I was already improving. I think I will get back to normal soon.
Friday night's run included tempo intervals - my first ones since starting this training plan. I was so excited! Although I was running faster, my breathing never sped up. Again, the inhaler must be working wonders. However, it also increases heartrate: I hit my highest heartrate since three years ago. And my breathing was still slow to medium. I guess it's going to take some time to adjust to the effects of the inhaler, and re-calibrate my perceived effort. I can't go by my breathing rate at all right now.
Saturday I rode 63 miles in warm, windy weather. I knew the wind would make for an interesting ride, but as Sophie told me, "When it's windy, it makes it harder, but it also makes you stronger." Amen, kiddo. So, I applied some red Sharpie motivation to my hand and headed out the door.
I rode with a new friend and we didn't have a specific route in mind, so we kind of just went where we felt like. It was a fun ride, but there were some tough moments. For a little while I didn't think I would be able to finish; I just didn't have all my muscle power back yet, and I felt myself wearing down on a particularly hilly section. After about 3 miles of uphill into the wind, I seriously doubted my ability to do the race. How the hell do you ride 112 miles then run a marathon? This is insane. Stupid crazy. But then I remembered, the bad moments pass. So as I trudged up those hills (very very slowly), I chanted in my head with each pedal stroke: This too shall pass. This too shall pass. T.T.S.P. This too shall pass.
And you know what? It did pass.
Miles 50 to 58 finally brought the tailwind. I must say, that is THE BEST way to finish a ride. All of a sudden, your legs are fresh and you are sad that it's time to stop. But as we approached the finish, I started thinking: Miles 60-90 on the IMTX course reportedly have a headwind. I'd better see what it's like to ride into the wind after 60 miles while I have the chance. So I went a couple extra miles down the road, turned around, and did the last 2 miles of the ride straight into the wind. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't too terrible either. I could've kept going for a while if I had to.
But instead, I stuck to the plan. I hopped off the bike and ran for 20 minutes on the high school track. That was also an experience - running straight into the wind over and over! Are you supposed to get aero when running, like you do on the bike? I found myself putting my head down when on the windy side, like I was on the offensive line. Get low! The lower guy has the power! Okay, so even if I can't finish the race, I may be able to at least tackle somebody.
There were many good things about yesterday's ride: I never had any knee pain; my saddle was comfortable the whole time; I didn't get sunburned; I took in enough calories, electrolytes and carbs per hour, and never had any stomach upset; and I drank more than I have been, which will become more important as the weather warms up.
Speaking of weather warming up: It was 45 degrees on my last long ride; yesterday it was 80. I wasn't expecting it to warm up so fast, but I'm not complaining - I only have 8 weeks to acclimate to the heat. So hurry up, spring!
The best part of yesterday's workout was how I felt afterwards: GREAT. I had energy, my muscles weren't fatigued, I wasn't tight, and I didn't get The Headache. Today my legs felt just fine. I am very, very happy. Please please please let this mean my body is getting stronger and my fueling is on track.
Today's recovery run was so wonderful; I got to run in the sunshine with a wonderful friend whom I don't see very often. She always makes my inner child so happy. I left smiling and ready to take on the challenge of another week.
At this point in time, my head is screwed back on the right way and I am feeling confident again. I am trying to view this all as a big experiment and to enjoy the process. I will keep fighting and smiling and playing and trying and we will just see how far I can get. And when I finally cross that finish line in Texas, I will know that I can accomplish absolutely anything - whether my mind thinks so or not.
This week started off poorly. After the asthma bomb was dropped, I dutifully took my new meds and tried to ignore the side effects. One of them gave me sore muscles and joints, some muscle cramps, then muscle weakness. After four days of it, my doc told me to quit. NO PROBLEM. Twenty-four hours later, I was already improving. It took 4 days and I finally feel like I'm almost back to normal.
Wednesday's long run was supposed to be 12.7 miles. It started off well, but my muscles fatigued very quickly. After 6 miles I was bargaining with myself: Maybe you can scrap this tonight and try the long run on Friday. Another mile later: Maybe just two more miles, then you can drive home and do the last 4 on the treadmill. Another mile later: I'll just run a half mile out, then turn around and come back and re-negotiate. Somehow I pushed through and got in 12.3. That was enough.
The run was difficult physically, but even worse mentally. The meds were giving me some anxiety, and that was turning into fear. I was afraid to use the inhaler, I was afraid not to use the inhaler; I was afraid to do the entire run, I was afraid that if I didn't do it I wouldn't be on track with my training; but mostly, I was afraid that I am not cut out for doing an Ironman. What if I'm just not physically able? That's one thing - but how would I know? How do I know if my inner voice is just fear, or if it's warning me? Even if I am physically prepared, I cannot do an Ironman with that fear inside of me. I guess everyone has these doubts. I hope everyone has these doubts.
I do know this: If I quit anything due to fear, I will never be able to begin again. I have to keep pushing through. It will get better, and I will be stronger for it. I CANNOT QUIT.
Thursday was my first day back in the pool in a week. Since I'm using an inhaler, my lungs seem to take in so much more air now. I was breathing about 30% less often than before. But my muscles were so weak - I could barely get a good push off the wall. I tried making myself breathe more, but then I was borderline hyperventilating, so that was out. That workout was supposed to be my monthly time trial, but I just could not get any speed at all. So I decided to adjust my workout and enjoy the easy swim as a recovery from the previous night's run. I was glad to see that my easy pace is still decent, so if I go that pace during the Ironman swim, I will finish that leg in an acceptable time.
Luckily, I stopped the other medication Thursday, so by Friday's swim I was already improving. I think I will get back to normal soon.
Friday night's run included tempo intervals - my first ones since starting this training plan. I was so excited! Although I was running faster, my breathing never sped up. Again, the inhaler must be working wonders. However, it also increases heartrate: I hit my highest heartrate since three years ago. And my breathing was still slow to medium. I guess it's going to take some time to adjust to the effects of the inhaler, and re-calibrate my perceived effort. I can't go by my breathing rate at all right now.
Saturday I rode 63 miles in warm, windy weather. I knew the wind would make for an interesting ride, but as Sophie told me, "When it's windy, it makes it harder, but it also makes you stronger." Amen, kiddo. So, I applied some red Sharpie motivation to my hand and headed out the door.
And you know what? It did pass.
Miles 50 to 58 finally brought the tailwind. I must say, that is THE BEST way to finish a ride. All of a sudden, your legs are fresh and you are sad that it's time to stop. But as we approached the finish, I started thinking: Miles 60-90 on the IMTX course reportedly have a headwind. I'd better see what it's like to ride into the wind after 60 miles while I have the chance. So I went a couple extra miles down the road, turned around, and did the last 2 miles of the ride straight into the wind. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't too terrible either. I could've kept going for a while if I had to.
But instead, I stuck to the plan. I hopped off the bike and ran for 20 minutes on the high school track. That was also an experience - running straight into the wind over and over! Are you supposed to get aero when running, like you do on the bike? I found myself putting my head down when on the windy side, like I was on the offensive line. Get low! The lower guy has the power! Okay, so even if I can't finish the race, I may be able to at least tackle somebody.
There were many good things about yesterday's ride: I never had any knee pain; my saddle was comfortable the whole time; I didn't get sunburned; I took in enough calories, electrolytes and carbs per hour, and never had any stomach upset; and I drank more than I have been, which will become more important as the weather warms up.
Speaking of weather warming up: It was 45 degrees on my last long ride; yesterday it was 80. I wasn't expecting it to warm up so fast, but I'm not complaining - I only have 8 weeks to acclimate to the heat. So hurry up, spring!
The best part of yesterday's workout was how I felt afterwards: GREAT. I had energy, my muscles weren't fatigued, I wasn't tight, and I didn't get The Headache. Today my legs felt just fine. I am very, very happy. Please please please let this mean my body is getting stronger and my fueling is on track.
Today's recovery run was so wonderful; I got to run in the sunshine with a wonderful friend whom I don't see very often. She always makes my inner child so happy. I left smiling and ready to take on the challenge of another week.
At this point in time, my head is screwed back on the right way and I am feeling confident again. I am trying to view this all as a big experiment and to enjoy the process. I will keep fighting and smiling and playing and trying and we will just see how far I can get. And when I finally cross that finish line in Texas, I will know that I can accomplish absolutely anything - whether my mind thinks so or not.
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