March Madness

Last week was a great week of training. My swims were decent and my long run (14 miles) was phenomenal. I finally incorporated walk breaks (45 seconds at the start of every mile), which actually made my overall goal pace faster, while still in Zone 2. When I was done, I felt like I still had another 3 miles in me.

I had 70-75 miles planned for Saturday's long ride, but the cold, rainy weather prompted me to ride the trainer instead. I rode for just over 4 hours, taking a 5 minute break every hour to get off the bike, stretch, pee, etc. During the second half of my ride, we watched "Bicycle Dreams," which I thought would inspire me. Instead it TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT. These people were riding day and night without stopping, and sometimes they were delusional, and getting IVs and all sorts of things. That was NOT good for my psyche.

Also, since I hadn't needed to pee during last weekend's long workout, I thought I should drink more this time. So I did. A total of 5 bike bottles in 4 hours, 3 of which were plain water; the other two were Heed and Perpetuem. I also had Hammer gels with added Endurloytes powder, and a Cliff bar. I think I screwed that up - too much plain water, not enough sodium. I peed after 2 hours (great!) then again an hour later and again an hour later - too much!

Also, my lungs felt like they were filling up with moisture. I used the inhaler an hour into the ride (just half a dose), then again as soon as I was done (the other half of the dose).

After the ride, I ran 20 minutes around the neighborhood. My legs felt surprisingly good - the best they've felt on a brick lately. But my chest felt pretty full, and I started to freak out a bit. I'm pretty sure you need lungs for endurance sports.

I can't really explain what happened next. I just got more and more nervous, and then that lovely feeling of impending doom showed up: my first panic attack in years. Damn.

There was a time about 5 years ago or more when I had anxiety regularly. It was a miserable feeling, always being afraid. When you're going through something like that, you begin to fear that fear more than the things you're afraid of. (Okay, maybe that didn't make sense, but if you've ever experienced it, you understand.) I was scared of everything: physical ailments (some real, some not), dangers like 18-wheelers crossing the center line and running me over, all kinds of things that normally wouldn't bother me. It took a long time and a lot of work but the anxiety finally went away. I have not missed it.

Well, now it's back. I'm worried about Every. Single. Thing. I'm told everyone training for an Ironman goes through times when they don't think they can do it. I've had those moments off and on but have managed them pretty well... until now. The past few days have been extremely difficult. I think the anxiety that's a side effect from the inhaler is feeding into it too. Even though I know these things are in my head, they feel real to my body. I've really, really been wigging out. I even had to stop during my opening 1000 in the pool yesterday to "talk myself down." (I decided I was too embarrassed to get out and have a panic attack in front of everybody, so I kept going.)

I've been avoiding writing this post because I don't want people to know how crazy I feel. But a friend suggested that folks might like to know that I'm going through this, so that if/when they have their own doubts and fears, they'll know it's normal and everybody else (even Tenacious J) goes through it. So, here you go.

If I get the nerve up, maybe I'll talk more about it. I'm sure this, too, will pass. In the meantime, I'm still training and trying to just focus on the moment: this day, this workout, this mile. When the next day/workout/mile comes, then I'll think about that one.

Also, I just want to say that I'm sick and tired of prepping my fuel for long rides. I look forward to normal workouts where I just grab a bottle and a gel and head out the door.

As long as I'm bitching: POLLEN SUCKS, and I'm tired of coughing.

I've made an appointment for a long massage - that will help me relax mentally and physically. Other appointments I've been thinking of making are with a nutritionist (for help with race day fueling), Dr Awesome (haven't seen him in a while; legs feel great but I'm sure I could use a tune-up), and maybe a shrink. I feel like I need one! And there is no shame in seeing one! I wonder, if I spilled my guts to big-head SmackDonald, would he use it against me on the bike leg? Hmmm.... He still wouldn't beat me.

Yeah, there's still a little Tenacious J left in there somewhere. Maybe she's hiding out until all the crazy leaves. It may be a while.

T.T.S.P.

Another another another week. How do I slow this down? Here we are, EIGHT weeks out from Ironman Texas. Holy cow.

This week started off poorly. After the asthma bomb was dropped, I dutifully took my new meds and tried to ignore the side effects. One of them gave me sore muscles and joints, some muscle cramps, then muscle weakness. After four days of it, my doc told me to quit. NO PROBLEM. Twenty-four hours later, I was already improving. It took 4 days and I finally feel like I'm almost back to normal.

Wednesday's long run was supposed to be 12.7 miles. It started off well, but my muscles fatigued very quickly. After 6 miles I was bargaining with myself: Maybe you can scrap this tonight and try the long run on Friday. Another mile later: Maybe just two more miles, then you can drive home and do the last 4 on the treadmill. Another mile later: I'll just run a half mile out, then turn around and come back and re-negotiate. Somehow I pushed through and got in 12.3. That was enough.

The run was difficult physically, but even worse mentally. The meds were giving me some anxiety, and that was turning into fear. I was afraid to use the inhaler, I was afraid not to use the inhaler; I was afraid to do the entire run, I was afraid that if I didn't do it I wouldn't be on track with my training; but mostly, I was afraid that I am not cut out for doing an Ironman. What if I'm just not physically able? That's one thing - but how would I know? How do I know if my inner voice is just fear, or if it's warning me? Even if I am physically prepared, I cannot do an Ironman with that fear inside of me. I guess everyone has these doubts. I hope everyone has these doubts.

I do know this: If I quit anything due to fear, I will never be able to begin again. I have to keep pushing through. It will get better, and I will be stronger for it. I CANNOT QUIT.

Thursday was my first day back in the pool in a week. Since I'm using an inhaler, my lungs seem to take in so much more air now. I was breathing about 30% less often than before. But my muscles were so weak - I could barely get a good push off the wall. I tried making myself breathe more, but then I was borderline hyperventilating, so that was out. That workout was supposed to be my monthly time trial, but I just could not get any speed at all. So I decided to adjust my workout and enjoy the easy swim as a recovery from the previous night's run. I was glad to see that my easy pace is still decent, so if I go that pace during the Ironman swim, I will finish that leg in an acceptable time.

Luckily, I stopped the other medication Thursday, so by Friday's swim I was already improving. I think I will get back to normal soon.

Friday night's run included tempo intervals - my first ones since starting this training plan. I was so excited! Although I was running faster, my breathing never sped up. Again, the inhaler must be working wonders. However, it also increases heartrate: I hit my highest heartrate since three years ago. And my breathing was still slow to medium. I guess it's going to take some time to adjust to the effects of the inhaler, and re-calibrate my perceived effort. I can't go by my breathing rate at all right now.

Saturday I rode 63 miles in warm, windy weather. I knew the wind would make for an interesting ride, but as Sophie told me, "When it's windy, it makes it harder, but it also makes you stronger." Amen, kiddo. So, I applied some red Sharpie motivation to my hand and headed out the door.

 

I rode with a new friend and we didn't have a specific route in mind, so we kind of just went where we felt like. It was a fun ride, but there were some tough moments. For a little while I didn't think I would be able to finish; I just didn't have all my muscle power back yet, and I felt myself wearing down on a particularly hilly section. After about 3 miles of uphill into the wind, I seriously doubted my ability to do the race. How the hell do you ride 112 miles then run a marathon? This is insane. Stupid crazy. But then I remembered, the bad moments pass. So as I trudged up those hills (very very slowly), I chanted in my head with each pedal stroke: This too shall pass. This too shall pass. T.T.S.P. This too shall pass.

And you know what? It did pass.

Miles 50 to 58 finally brought the tailwind. I must say, that is THE BEST way to finish a ride. All of a sudden, your legs are fresh and you are sad that it's time to stop. But as we approached the finish, I started thinking: Miles 60-90 on the IMTX course reportedly have a headwind. I'd better see what it's like to ride into the wind after 60 miles while I have the chance. So I went a couple extra miles down the road, turned around, and did the last 2 miles of the ride straight into the wind. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't too terrible either. I could've kept going for a while if I had to.

But instead, I stuck to the plan. I hopped off the bike and ran for 20 minutes on the high school track. That was also an experience - running straight into the wind over and over! Are you supposed to get aero when running, like you do on the bike? I found myself putting my head down when on the windy side, like I was on the offensive line. Get low! The lower guy has the power! Okay, so even if I can't finish the race, I may be able to at least tackle somebody.

There were many good things about yesterday's ride: I never had any knee pain; my saddle was comfortable the whole time; I didn't get sunburned; I took in enough calories, electrolytes and carbs per hour, and never had any stomach upset; and I drank more than I have been, which will become more important as the weather warms up.

Speaking of weather warming up: It was 45 degrees on my last long ride; yesterday it was 80. I wasn't expecting it to warm up so fast, but I'm not complaining - I only have 8 weeks to acclimate to the heat. So hurry up, spring!

The best part of yesterday's workout was how I felt afterwards: GREAT. I had energy, my muscles weren't fatigued, I wasn't tight, and I didn't get The Headache. Today my legs felt just fine. I am very, very happy. Please please please let this mean my body is getting stronger and my fueling is on track.

Today's recovery run was so wonderful; I got to run in the sunshine with a wonderful friend whom I don't see very often. She always makes my inner child so happy. I left smiling and ready to take on the challenge of another week.

At this point in time, my head is screwed back on the right way and I am feeling confident again. I am trying to view this all as a big experiment and to enjoy the process. I will keep fighting and smiling and playing and trying and we will just see how far I can get. And when I finally cross that finish line in Texas, I will know that I can accomplish absolutely anything - whether my mind thinks so or not.

I found my limits.

It has been a difficult week.

You know that saying about only finding your limits by pushing past them? Well, I think I found mine.

It actually started with the end of last week. Sunday, I rode longer than I should have (jumped from 47 miles the previous week to 62 miles last week), and with more intensity at times. If I had done anything else stupid that day, it would've been the Dumb Ass Trifecta. (I'm sure there was something else, I'm just too tired to remember it.) That combo culminated in the worst knee pain yet. This, after the prior week being completely pain-free, really threw me for a loop.

Monday was a rest day. Had it not been, I would've taken the day off from workouts to let the knee rest. I was in a lot of pain, and I started to lose my confidence that I'll be able to complete the training (and thus, the race). All the "what-if" questions filled my head: What if I can't work out this week? What if it gets worse when I try to run or ride again? What if Dr Awesome can't fix this? What if it hurts that badly during the race?

Okay, for that last question, my answer is "HTFU." I don't want to cause injury to my body during training, but when the big day is here, I suppose I will suffer through anything to finish that race, unless it's a life-threatening problem.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm only in Week 9, and I have a long way to go. Half of me is scared I may not even make it to the start line.

Tuesday, my knee began to feel somewhat better, but I began feeling sensations in the soles of my feet, particularly the left one. Sometimes it felt tight, sometimes I felt pins-and-needles, and the most disconcerting of all: sometimes it felt cold. My brilliant, supportive husband suggested that maybe my feet were just... cold. I gave that some consideration, then decided I had a compressed nerve, plantar fasciitis and some sort of weird foot affliction nobody has even heard of yet.

I may have freaked out a little. Yeah, a little. Okay, a lot. I would compare it to Taper Madness in intensity of fear. UGH!

I wasn't sure which of my workouts this week, IF ANY, I would be able to do. So, what do I do when faced with uncertainty? I make a plan. I would try swimming. If it hurt my knee to kick in the pool, I would swim with the pull buoy (a hard styrofoam floaty device you put between your legs to make your lower half float while you swim with just your arms). I'm pleased to report that I had NO pain swimming, so swim workouts were off the chopping block.

Next: Biking. I had an hour-long trainer ride planned for Tuesday evening. I told myself I'd start easy and just see how I felt. I'd increase speed/resistance very slowly, and at the first hint of pain, I would stop and stretch. If it still hurt when I started again, I would quit the workout. One trainer ride does not mean much in the grand scheme of things; I'm not going to risk injury for one ride.

Luckily, the bike ride went much better than I had anticipated. I had no pain, just some slight discomfort. I was aware of my knee, but it didn't hurt. I was able to complete the workout.

Finally: Running. Wednesday is my weekly long run. Despite not having any knee pain at all during the day, I was not optimistic that I'd be able to complete the run pain-free. I had 10.6 miles scheduled, and with bad weather blowing in, I did it on the treadmill. Again, I told myself that if I had any pain, I would stop. I STILL cannot believe that I had NOT ONE IOTA of pain or discomfort in that knee. Sure, other things ached, as you would expect on a two-hour slow run on a treadmill, but otherwise, I felt great. I stopped often to do my Dr Awesome stretches. Sometimes it's frustrating to have to take the time to stretch that often; it makes an hour and forty-five minute run last over two hours. But I'd rather take that time to stretch than be injured and not get to run at all.

Thursday's trainer ride was pain-free, discomfort-free, and downright unremarkable. I started to relax and believe the crazy was over. But then - DUHN DUHN DUHNNNNNN..... I had my Dr Awesome appointment Friday morning.

He worked on the usual gang of suspects (knee/ITB/adductors/hip flexors). Then he spent some time on my feet. Guess what? I got some MORE stretches to do! Yee-haaaw! He agrees that we are ahead of any "injury" right now, but I need to stay on top of it before it turns into plantar fasciitis.

So, that's where I am right now: physically on the edge, and mentally (sometimes) over the edge. I oscillate between relaxed/confident and scared shitless/crazy. I've made a slight amendment to my mantra:

I will stick to the plan but adjust when necessary.
I will do the work.
I will be patient.
The results will come.